Our peerless experts and scientists in the field of Curiosities and Antiquities, tunnel backwards through time to discover the secrets of the past using top notch methodologies. Occasional guest appearances from television’s David Dickenson. But not this week.
It has been some weeks since the exciting discovery of the mysterious ‘Silver Fake Telephone’ in Street, Somerset and unhappily nobody has yet contacted our team at ‘DeadMansShoes’ in order to:
- Shed some light as to its origins, history and purpose
- Reclaim this valuable family heirloom, clearly lost under some unhappy circumstance
In the light of no volunteered information, our team have wasted no time whatsoever in deploying the very latest scientific techniques to attempt to quosh all rumours and fevered speculation amongst the public by providing the definitive explanation and answers. So:
“Just What IS the mysterious Silver Fake Telephone’?
Recorded here for posterity a full transcript of the expert scientific analysis that took place: findings and actions below.
|Conjecture and Speculation Analysis of Silver Object closely resembling Telephone located in Street, Somerset.|
Main Objective: To determine unequivocally the origins, composition and functions of the object detailed above.
Methodology: Informed discussion and rigorous experimentation based on hypothesis
Findings and conclusions: Summarised below
Actions: To test object ‘in the field’.
Scientists Present: Rear Admiral Logjammer, Able Seaman Perkins, Doctor Matthieu Tolpeudle – Marteur
R/Adm Logjammer: Stand at ease team. Now we of Royal Naval Intelligence Retired have been ordered by Admiralty House to discover the purpose of this…thing. Now can anybody tell me what it is?
AB Perkins: Looks a bit like a telephone, sir.
R/Adm Logjammer: Shut up, Perkins. I can see that. Not helpful at all. Now can anybody, apart from Perkins, tell me what this is? Nobody? Oh dear. Well we’re not defeated yet. Right. I want everybody here present to go and fetch the scientific stuff out of the cupboard over there by the kettle. Don’t trip over the kettle flex.
AB Perkins: Me too, sir?
R/Adm Logjammer: Yes, especially you, Perkins. Put all the scientific stuff on the pasting table next to the thing for testing.
AB Perkins: Switch on the Bunsen burner, sir?
R/Adm Logjammer: Oh yes. Switch on the Bunsen burner, Perkins.
AB Perkins: Right you are, sir.
R/Adm Logjammer: Now then, Tolpeudle – Marteur, what do we do first?
AB Perkins: We could hit it with this hammer, sir.
R/Adm Logjammer: Shut up, Perkins.
M/O Tolpeudle – Marteur: I’ve been on the telephone to television’s antique expert David Dickenson but him not want to come this week.
R/Adm Logjammer: Blast. That was our best plan. Now then, Perkins, on the order ‘Strike object with hammer’ I want you to raise the chipping hammer from the perpendicular to the vertical and bring it down with force on the object, exercising all caution.
M/O Tolpeudle – Marteur: If I may venture an opinion, Admiral, an excellent plan. Such action will certainly test the strength of this object. Should it shatter, we will then know that it was not very strong at all. Furthermore I shall be able to put the chippings into this glass tube and mix it with Domestos.
R/Adm Logjammer: You suspect this is contaminated with lethal germs, eh, Tolpeudle – Marteur? Splendid.
A/B Perkins: Permission to open window, sir?
R/Adm Logjammer: Make it so, Perkins; we’ll need some fresh air to avoid contamination. Now then: ‘Strike-object-with-hammer!’
M/O Tolpeudle – Marteur: Well I was not expecting that.
R/Adm Logjammer: You mean that the hammer would strike the phone, unexpectedly bounce and smack Perkins in the teeth, causing horrendous dental damage?
M/O Tolpeudle – Marteur: Indeed, Admiral. Extremely unfortunate. Not only has it invalidated the experiment but has caused untold destruction to our scientific accoutrements. The pasting table is beyond repair.
R/Adm Logjammer: Yes. Place Perkins on a charge for gross insubordination and incompetence unbecoming of a naval rating.
M/O Tolpeudle – Marteur: Wait! I now have had time to form my hypothesis, Admiral, we may yet need Perkins for a dangerous field experiment!
R/Adm Logjammer: Splendid! Will it hurt?
M/O Tolpeudle – Marteur: Yes. At first I suspected that this was a ‘German unexploded booby trapped fake plastic bomb telephone mine’ as popularised by the hit television situation comedy ‘Only Fools and Horses: Engaged of Peckham’, but hitting with object with the hammer has proved, beyond reasonable doubt, that this isn’t so.
R/Adm Logjammer: Yes. We have not been blown to smithereens and are relatively undamaged, Perkins excepted. So – your hypothesis, please, Tolpeudle – Marteur, for our report.
M/O Tolpeudle – Marteur: It is now my considered opinion that this is a cunning trap – for wasps. See here? An inescapable slit for the insect-pests to enter. And here? On the base? A large covered hole. This must surely be the exit point. Once the hollow ‘phone’ is filled with angry venomous stinging vermin, they can be shaken out, preferably above a public toilet, and flushed safely away; no further danger to a picnic munching public from that fleet of basteurds..
R/Adm Logjammer: Fascinating. But how do you explain the incongruous external silvered shell and it’s approximation to a telephone?
M/O Tolpeudle – Marteur: Elementary, my dear Admiral. It is well known that wasps are irresistibly attracted to anything that glitters, believing it to be gold. Why do you find so many of their kind in evil smelling, urine sodden telephone boxes? Tell me that? Exactly! They find the shape of the telephone itself sexually provocative, desiring to attack it with engorged stings. Combine this shape with silver coating, smear it with honey flavoured marmalade and place it near or on a human being and wasps are beguiled; temped unto their death.
R/Adm Logjammer: I have never knowingly been found in a urine sodden, evil smelling telephone box, Tolpeudle – Marteur. Don’t snigger, Perkins. However, put like that, I suggest we put your theory to the test and solve this mystery once and for all. Perkins. Prepare for the ultimate ordeal.
A/B Perkins: What, me, sir?
R/ADM Logjammer: Certainly. You can hardly expect the Doctor to smear himself in marmalade and sit near a foul smelling toilet holding a fake telephone wasp trap, can you? He would be mistaken for a French tramp.
A/B Perkins: Right you are, sir. Permission to pick up my teeth, sir.
R/ADM Logjammer: Make it so, Perkins. And Perkins. Don’t be taking the marmalade from the wardroom you can buy it from Aldi, next door.