Telephone of DEATH!!!!

“Logjammer’s Lot”

Our peerless experts and scientists in the field of Curiosities and Antiquities, tunnel backwards through time to discover the secrets of the past using top notch methodologies. Occasional guest appearances from television’s David Dickenson. But not this week.

It has been some weeks since the exciting discovery of the mysterious ‘Silver Fake Telephone’ in Street, Somerset and unhappily nobody has yet contacted our team at ‘DeadMansShoes’  in order to:

• Shed some light as to its origins, history and purpose
• Reclaim this valuable family heirloom, clearly lost under some unhappy circumstance

In the light of no volunteered information, our team have wasted no time whatsoever in deploying the very latest scientific techniques to attempt to quosh all rumours and fevered speculation amongst the public by providing the definitive explanation and answers. So:

 “Just What IS the mysterious Silver Fake Telephone’?

 

Recorded here for posterity a full transcript of the expert scientific analysis that took place: findings and actions below.

 

Conjecture and Speculation Analysis of Silver Object closely resembling Telephone located in Street, Somerset.

The Abstract

 Main Objective: To determine unequivocally the origins, composition and functions of the object detailed above.

Methodology: Informed discussion and rigorous experimentation based on hypothesis

Findings and conclusions: Summarised below

Actions: To test object ‘in the field’.

Scientists Present: Rear Admiral Logjammer, Able Seaman Perkins, Doctor Matthieu Tolpeudle – Marteur

 

*********************************************************************

 

 

R/Adm Logjammer: Stand at ease team. Now we of Royal Naval Intelligence Retired have been ordered by Admiralty House to discover the purpose of this…thing. Now can anybody tell me what it is?

AB Perkins: Looks a bit like a telephone, sir.

R/Adm Logjammer: Shut up, Perkins. I can see that. Not helpful at all. Now can anybody, apart from Perkins, tell me what this is? Nobody? Oh dear. Well we’re not defeated yet. Right. I want everybody here present to go and fetch the scientific stuff out of the cupboard over there by the kettle. Don’t trip over the kettle flex.

AB Perkins: Me too, sir?

R/Adm Logjammer: Yes, especially you, Perkins. Put all the scientific stuff on the pasting table next to the thing for testing.

AB Perkins: Switch on the Bunsen burner, sir?

R/Adm Logjammer: Oh yes. Switch on the Bunsen burner, Perkins.

AB Perkins: Right you are, sir.

R/Adm Logjammer: Now then, Tolpeudle – Marteur, what do we do first?

AB Perkins: We could hit it with this hammer, sir.

R/Adm Logjammer: Shut up, Perkins.

M/O Tolpeudle – Marteur: I’ve been on the telephone to television’s antique expert David Dickenson but him not want to come this week.

R/Adm Logjammer: Blast. That was our best plan. Now then, Perkins, on the order ‘Strike object with hammer’ I want you to raise the chipping hammer from the perpendicular to the vertical and bring it down with force on the object, exercising all caution.

M/O Tolpeudle – Marteur: If I may venture an opinion, Admiral, an excellent plan. Such action will certainly test the strength of this object. Should it shatter, we will then know that it was not very strong at all. Furthermore I shall be able to put the chippings into this glass tube and mix it with Domestos.

R/Adm Logjammer: You suspect this is contaminated with lethal germs, eh, Tolpeudle – Marteur? Splendid.

A/B Perkins: Permission to open window, sir?

R/Adm Logjammer: Make it so, Perkins; we’ll need some fresh air to avoid contamination. Now then: ‘Strike-object-with-hammer!’

M/O Tolpeudle – Marteur: Well I was not expecting that.

R/Adm Logjammer: You mean that the hammer would strike the phone, unexpectedly bounce and smack Perkins in the teeth, causing horrendous dental damage?

M/O Tolpeudle – Marteur: Indeed, Admiral. Extremely unfortunate. Not only has it invalidated the experiment but has caused untold destruction to our scientific accoutrements. The pasting table is beyond repair.

R/Adm Logjammer: Yes. Place Perkins on a charge for gross insubordination and incompetence unbecoming of a naval rating.

M/O Tolpeudle – Marteur: Wait! I now have had time to form my hypothesis, Admiral, we may yet need Perkins for a dangerous field experiment!

R/Adm Logjammer: Splendid! Will it hurt?

M/O Tolpeudle – Marteur: Yes. At first I suspected that this was a ‘German unexploded booby trapped fake plastic bomb telephone mine’ as popularised by the hit television situation comedy ‘Only Fools and Horses: Engaged of Peckham’, but hitting with object with the hammer has proved, beyond reasonable doubt, that this isn’t so.

R/Adm Logjammer: Yes. We have not been blown to smithereens and are relatively undamaged, Perkins excepted. So – your hypothesis, please, Tolpeudle – Marteur, for our report.

M/O Tolpeudle – Marteur: It is now my considered opinion that this is a cunning trap – for wasps. See here? An inescapable slit for the insect-pests to enter. And here? On the base? A large covered hole. This must surely be the exit point. Once the hollow ‘phone’ is filled with angry venomous stinging vermin, they can be shaken out, preferably above a public toilet, and flushed safely away; no further danger to a picnic munching public from that fleet of basteurds..

 

R/Adm Logjammer: Fascinating. But how do you explain the incongruous external silvered shell and it’s approximation to a telephone?

M/O Tolpeudle – Marteur: Elementary, my dear Admiral. It is well known that wasps are irresistibly attracted to anything that glitters, believing it to be gold. Why do you find so many of their kind in evil smelling, urine sodden telephone boxes? Tell me that? Exactly! They find the shape of the telephone itself sexually provocative, desiring to attack it with engorged stings. Combine this shape with silver coating, smear it with honey flavoured marmalade and place it near or on a human being and wasps are beguiled; temped unto their death.

R/Adm Logjammer: I have never knowingly been found in a urine sodden, evil smelling telephone box, Tolpeudle – Marteur. Don’t snigger, Perkins. However, put like that, I suggest we put your theory to the test and solve this mystery once and for all. Perkins. Prepare for the ultimate ordeal.

A/B Perkins: What, me, sir?

R/ADM Logjammer: Certainly. You can hardly expect the Doctor to smear himself in marmalade and sit near a foul smelling toilet holding a fake telephone wasp trap, can you? He would be mistaken for a French tramp.

A/B Perkins: Right you are, sir. Permission to pick up my teeth, sir.

R/ADM Logjammer: Make it so, Perkins. And Perkins. Don’t be taking the marmalade from the wardroom you can buy it from Aldi, next door.

Be a Famous Comedy Writer with ‘Dead Man’s Shoes’.

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 Cultural Context Corner

 “Only Fools and Horses” was a cheaply realised situation comedy or ‘sitcom’ that ran for a few seasons in Britain in the 1980s. Set in Peckham, London, it starred David Jason as Derek ‘Del Boy’ Trotter, a wheeling dealing confidence trickster of French extraction and his kid brother ‘Rodney ‘Dipstick Plonker’ Trotter portrayed by Nicholas Lyndhurst. They were supported by a variety of actors disguised in a turban, sunglasses and sporting an unlikely outsized beard playing a character called ‘Uncle Grandad’, a war veteran who had seen action in an assortment of frigates off the coast of Gibraltar.

 Typically an episode would consist of Rodney ‘Dipstick Plonker’ Trotter finding a valuable heirloom in his garage and selling it down the market for a million pounds with hilarious results. The programme was cancelled after three seasons due to a disastrous drop in ratings as the writer ran out of valuable items for Rodney ‘Dipstick Plonker’ Trotter to find. Viewers complained in numbers after an episode entitled ‘Elephant in Peckham’ was shown which depicted Rodney finding a gigantic African bull elephant hidden under a carpet at the rear of the garage, claiming that it was ‘unrealistic’ and ‘strained the viewers credibility’.

‘DeadMan’sShoes’ now brings you our attempt to resurrect this hilarious comedy, often mentioned in ‘The 1000 most popular…’ countdown programmes on BBC3 as ‘sometimes missed’, ‘quite a rib tickler’ and ‘preferable to the bloody Commonwealth Games’ by several members of the British viewing public.

 For a reasonable price we will sign over the rights of this script to YOU for completion and you can earn a fortune! But remember it is strictly first come, first served. Email us today at ‘D.M.S.’ and remember to entitle your message:

 ‘Yes! I want to be a famous comedy writer thanks to Dead Man’s Shoes!’

 

 Only Fools and Horses in:

‘Engaged of Peckham’

 SCENE 1.  INT. LOCATION #1 – DAY 1  [09.20]

A SEEDY FLAT IN PECKHAM, LONDON. TO THE REAR IS A COCKTAIL BAR. FURNISHINGS ARE SPARSE. SEVERAL MISMATCHED CHAIRS ARE GROUPED AROUND AN OLD TELEVISION SET. LITTERED AROUND THE ROOM ARE VARIOUS INCONGRUOUS ITEMS SUCH AS BOXES OF TOILET TISSUES, SEVERAL TRACTOR TYRES, A PILE OF OLD STYLE VIDEO CASSETTE RECORDERS.

CRASH ZOOM TO SHOW A HEAVILY BEARDED MAN WEARING SUNGLASSES AND A TURBAN SITTING IN ONE OF THE CHAIRS. CUE SOME CHEAP ‘COMEDY’ SOUND EFFECT FROM STOCK – FOR EXAMPLE A SWANEE WHISTLE OR FART. PAN LEFT TO SHOW A MIDDLE AGED MAN HOLDING A FRENCH STYLE BREAD-STICK OR ‘BAGUETTE’. HE IS GRATING SOME CHEESE.

UNCLE GRANDAD

Del Boy. Is my breakfast ready?

DEL BOY

Mon dieu, mon dieu, crème de menthe. You dozy old twonk. Can’t you see that I am grating the fromage?

UNCLE GRANDAD

Fromage? What’s that then, Del Boy? Is it eels? I don’t like eels. I had a bad experience with an eel during the war.  Adolf Eelter.

DEL BOY

Adolf Eelter? Cor blimey, Guvnor, après ski, après ski. The only eels you ever saw was them high heels when you was dressed as a prostitute spy behind enemy lines.

DEL BOY PUTS DOWN THE BAGUETTE. HE MOVES TOWARDS THE COCKTAIL BAR.

UNCLE GRANDAD

Where are you going Del Boy?

DEL BOY

Pierre du temps! I’m going to lean on the cocktail bar, you dozy old bark, shut your noise!

LEANING AGAINST THE COCKTAIL BAR, DEL BOY FALLS STRAIGHT THROUGH IT AND LANDS ON SOME TYRES CAUSING HIM TO BOUNCE SEVERAL TIMES. CUE CANNED LAUGHTER.

UNCLE GRANDAD

Have you fallen through the bar again, Del Boy?

DEL BOY

Boeuf a la mode! You dipstick, Uncle Grandad! Course I have. You wally. Stone me!

UNCLE GRANDAD

You’re always falling through them bars, Del Boy. You’ll do yourself a mischief. During the war, we was trained to fall through bars. Mars bars.

DEL BOY

Mars bars. Mange tout. What does he take me for? A plonker? You twonk!

CUT TO DOOR TO SHOW RODNEY ENTERING HOLDING SOMETHING IN HIS HANDS – A FAKE SILVER TELEPHONE.

RODNEY

You fallen through the bar again, Del Boy?

DEL BOY

Pot Pourri! Course I have, I have to do it every episode. Have you been in our garage again, Rodney, you dipstick?

UNCLE GRANDAD

What you got there, Rodney?

DEL BOY

Cor Blimey, it better not be another giant African bull elephant like the last time, you plonker, Rodney. Fromage frais, I still got bleeding nightmares about taking that past Peckham peanut shop. You said we would be millionaires! Well I had to pay that bloke nine sovs to replace all them peanuts, you dipstick!

RODNEY

Sorry about that Del Boy. Mickey Pearce said he knew a bloke that wanted an elephant as a pet and was prepared to pay top dollar for our elephant. Still that’s all over with now. Look what I found this time!

UNCLE GRANDAD

It looks like a fake silver plastic telephone! I ain’t seen one of those since we was off the coast of Gibraltar. During the war we was told to retrieve German unexploded booby trapped fake plastic bomb telephone mines with boathooks and garters. Well, me and Jimmy Gutbiscuit was lowered off the starboard bow by our braces when…

DEL BOY

Please! Not another nautical nightmare, Uncle Grandad! Fermez la bouche!

RODNEY

This ain’t no ‘German unexploded booby trapped fake plastic bomb telephone mine’, Uncle Grandad….at least…I DON’T THINK SO!

DEL BOY

What’s that ticking noise? Like a clock? Mon dieu mon dieu can you hear it?

RODNEY

It’s most probably Uncle Grandad’s belly. Most strange noises seem to come from his direction. Let’s take this not actually a ‘German unexploded booby trapped fake plastic bomb telephone mine’ down the market and we’ll be millionaires!!

DEL BOY

Right you are, Rodders!

EXIT ALL EXCEPT FOR UNCLE GRANDAD WHO RUBS HIS BELLY CONFUSEDLY THEN PICKS UP THE BAGUETTE AND GRATED CHEESE.

A Street in Street

When Will You (Make my Telephone Ring)

Coming to you this week from a street in Street.

Well hello all of you and a warm welcome from the team at ‘Dead Man’s Shoes’ where, put with reasonable simplicity: your rubbish is our concern.

Or, if you’d like it more simply: we have a thing for your bin.

Or, in yet another way, more simply than the last simple thing we simply put: we like your shite.

Apologies for the last, but it is simply a measure of how passionate we feel, here at D.M.S., about our quest to seek, locate and save those misbegotten items you dumped at your local Charity Shop. And, with luck and detective work, return them to you, newly cleaned and in mint condition. You can’t polish a turd, you say? Well put us to the test!

Dead Man’s Shoes:  “Laying out Hard Cash for you Charity Trash’’

 

This WEEK: it’s STREET

This is a street in Street. Really.

Our man on the street in Street was none other than Pete. That’s Pete in Street. Pete:

“Who names their town, Street? For a start it’s a complete misnomer. It should be called ‘Streets’ because a quick survey shows there is clearly more than one.  And a gigantic shopping complex, too, boasting a ‘Next’, ‘Marks and Spencer’s’ and ‘Wobble World: Experience the Wonderful World of Fruited Jelly’.

With regret I eschewed the temptation to plunge into the giant lido I passed on the left, or indeed the jelly. Instead I thrust forward through the crowd. ‘Clarks Giant Shoe Village’ proved to be no distraction, having never wanted to live inside one and never really understood why anyone would. To my immense satisfaction, the high street was, instead, full of Charity Shops. Thank God for Modern Britain, economic recovery and our booming town centres. The mission now was to find that one item, the neglected gem, thoughtlessly or accidentally discarded by some now grieving householder somewhere. I would know it when I saw it: sure enough, it wasn’t long before I spotted THIS.

‘The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart.’ A rose amongst the thorns. Can you see it?

Quite phenomenal isn’t it? That something this unusual and unique can nestle amongst the faded plastic lilies, the unloved CareBears and the dog toothed books; a winkle amongst the cockles. As you may notice from my expression, I was more astounded than that man at the MacDonald’s drive-through witnessing ‘Internet Prankster Rahat’ do his side-splittingly funny Aygo car prank – something that I always look forward to watching on TV with a sledgehammer by my side. Sometimes, in bloodthirsty moments, I consider setting up my own roadside vending stall, just in the possibility he might try to prank me… but I digress. Feast your eyes and join me in wonder, if you will at this:

A cockle amongst the winkles. But WHO could have discarded this?

And so, with fevered excitement and trembling hands, I carefully disinterred the shimmering silver antique model telephone. Unsure as to it’s purpose or how antique it was, I now knew it must be returned to D.M.S. HQ for expert analysis, restored to it’s original condition and, with luck, returned to it’s rightful owner. For, as you know, our mission is to reunite lost family heirlooms, like this one, to the family home.

Without further ado, I interviewed the shopkeeper – who no doubt had valuable information; clues to the origin of this treasure. How had it come to be here, in this shop, in Street? Was it a donation? Stolen? Did it come with a ticket of sale or a certificate of authentication?”

 

An Interview with Leela McCharity

Proprietor of ‘Charity Chunder’ in Street

Leela McCharity is astonished by the find.

• Editor’s Note: The names ‘Leela McCharity’ and ‘Charity Chunder’ are completely made up and false. Dead Man’s Shoes apologises unreservedly to anybody who might be called ‘Leela McCharity’ or any establishment bearing the name ‘Charity Chunder’ for any offence that may have been inadvertently caused.

• Editor’s Note additional: The image above was randomly nicked off the internet and is not a true representation of any person bearing the name of ‘Leela McCharity’. In the unlikely but mathematically possible event that any such person exists or has existed or if this image is in fact of somebody called ‘Leela McCharity’, Dead Man’s Shoes offers an apology and a free bag of Werther’s Originals.

 

PP: Good afternoon. My name is Peter and I represent ‘Dead Man’s Shoes’. No doubt you have heard of us. Of course you have. May I congratulate you on a very well kept Charity Shop. Here are my credentials.

LMcC: Do you wish to buy this?

PP: Indeed I do. But first some questions, if you please.

LMcC: It is four pounds and ninety nine pence.

PP: A goodly price to be sure for such a quality item. But, tell me, if you will, how came you by it?

LMcC: Do you want me to put it into a paper bag?

PP: Certainly, that would be most apposite. But, hold hard, some information would be welcome if we are to restore it to the rightful owners. You know of them? Perhaps you have seen a tearful family forlornly wandering these streets, bereft, heartbroken to be sure. Seeking to find, but in vain.

LMcC: A paper bag is a penny extra.

PP:  Know you of such a family? Has there been a local appeal?

LMcC: That will be five pounds, please.

PP: Thank you. What you have said pleases us. It aids us in our…investigation. We will be in touch further.

LMcC: Are you the police?

Editor’s Note additional to additional: We would like to assure readers that no old ladies, animals or extras were in any way hurt, upset or harassed by our team. Indeed all agreed that they were thoroughly delighted by the experience and would willingly participate in another interview and would even jump fully clothed into ‘Street: The Lido’ to please the makers of this blog. ‘An interview with Leela McCharity’: Bought to you by ‘Dead Man’s Shoes’ at no extra cost for your reading pleasure.

“And in a strange way, we are. The police, I mean. Not actually the real police otherwise we would wear snugly buttoned blue uniforms, conical hats and carry practical stick implements to wave threateningly at vicious dogs and throw into rivers as buoyancy aids to assist young people who get into difficulties in deep, fast flowing waters.

The information provided by the old lady was illuminating; very illuminating. It provoked thought. Before returning to ‘D.M.S. HQ’ I had some thinking to do. Therefore I repaired to ‘Wobble World’ for an iced fruit jelly, placed the silver false telephone on the table and stroked my chin to indicate I was in contemplative mood and not to be disturbed. Almost immediately, I was disturbed. It was the waitress bringing me my iced fruit jelly.

In order to prevent further intrusion, I placed a deerstalker hat on my head, lit a pipe and examined the object closely with a magnifying glass. This is what I saw:

The more observant of you will notice the strange, almost translucent quality of the finish. Deep in its lustre, all colours are discernable. Notice the strange red and silver shadows that are exposed by the light hitting the tempered plaster. Exquisite, is it not? But as to its function? I had no clue. There was nothing to indicate to what possible use, other than the purely decorative, that this beauteous piece could have been put too.

Finishing my iced jelly quickly, I slipped my find back into it’s paper wrapping, ignored the sniggering and pointing at my hat and drove back to ‘Dead Man’s Shoes HQ’ as fast as the traffic on the A361 would allow.”

Pete, reporting from a street in Street

 

AND SO…it begins.

• Do you know somebody who lives near Street who has lost a valuable fake silver telephone and is DESPERATE for its return?
• Are you aware of a bereft family, in agony at having accidentally thrown away this valuable heirloom?
• Perhaps you are, even now, reading this on Glastonbury Tor and exclaiming, “It’s Me! It’s Me!”

If so, contact us here at ‘Dead Man’s Shoes’ and, for an extremely reasonable price, we can arrange for you to be reunited with your lost treasure!

Don’t Delay! Make that call today!

Next Time: Our expects reveal the exciting and hitherto untold hidden secrets of…’The Fake Plastic Telephone from Street’